It's Not Called Babysitting When You're Watching Your Own Kids

Someone once told me that having children keeps you young.
I now think that person is retarded.

Mrs. Chronically Insane recently took a part time job working at her Dad's car dealership. I encouraged the idea. I felt that since giving birth to our son nearly 6 months ago, this could do her some good and get her out of the house for a while. This left none other than yours truly to watch the kids 2 nights a week and every Saturday.
At first this seemed to me like the greatest idea. Hanging out with my kids, doing whatever we want, eating whatever we want, and no one around telling us what to do. We did a few "dry runs", but she was there as a kind of safety net in case things got out of hand. I proved myself quite capable of diaper changing and making bottles and such, so it was off to work for Mrs. CI.
Things started out well enough...
Girl and I built a box tunnel, made paper air planes and turned on the bubble making machine on inside the house.
Boy hung around watching Girl and I, appearing to enjoy watching us destroy things and then hiding the evidence.
Little did I know that the Perfect Storm was brewing just ahead...
You see - my wife didn't tell me that our son is an irritable little shit and that our daughter is a spoiled princess.
Apparently both children require constant attention and maintenance.

This is a brief glimpse into what occurred on the day my children conquered my spirit...

Boy eats every half hour and screams if you aren't holding him for more than 3 minutes. It takes me 10 minutes to perform a bowel movement. This is a problem.
Girl is 6 years old, and can't figure out how to open the bag of potato chips I just handed her for lunch.
Boy is in his bouncy saucer and has decided that taking a dump is a good idea.
Simultaneously, girl has taken the Giant Tootsie Roll I gave her for dessert and set it on the white couch and is asking how she should get the stain out.
I call Mrs. Chronically Insane - "How do you get Tootsie Roll stain out of the couch?"
"I have to go" she replies, then hangs up.
Stain can wait.
Boy want food.
Girl wants to watch Power Rangers.
I need to eat... need strength...
"Girl - watch Boy while I make him food and find something for me to eat".
Girl apparently has Attention deficit Disorder - I find her staring out window at neighbor as Boy chews on Kohl's catalog.
I feed Boy and eat one of his teething biscuits. Not bad.
Boy is sleepy. Okay this is good - I need a break.
Boy falls asleep - I tell Girl to go outside and play.
Girl slams door on her way out and wakes up Boy.
DAMN IT!!!!
Boy won't fall back asleep and wants only to be held. My back is sore and I really have to use the toilet. Okay - I can do this - I hold Boy and sit down to pee like a woman.
Hey - that worked!
Boy is getting really pissed now. I'll feed him again- that's what he wants.
Boy is enjoying Sweet Potatoes until he tries feeding himself and jabs his eye with his finger.
Boy is angry. Like seriously breathing razors angry.
Okay - keep composure. This sucks - but I am a man. I can handle this.
Girl comes in crying because neighbor just hit her in face with football.
Dear Lord please help me in this time of need... I'm feeling vulnerable.
I show Girl mechanics of placing hands in front of face and stopping ball from hitting it.
Boy is still angry.
Good Lord in heaven - what do you want from me?!?!
I turn the game on and this pleases me and Boy. Silence is restored until commercials come on. Boy screams.
Boy hates commercials? The game comes back on and Boy stops screaming and again is watching intently and calmly.
"Hmmm. Boy hates commercials..."
I call Mrs. Chronically Insane - "Did you know Boy hates commercials?" I ask.
"Yes - hand him a toy during commercials. I have to go." she replied.
"Our children are freaks, Honey." I say as she hangs up.
Girl comes in and asks me to tie her shoe.
"You learned to tie your shoes last year.." I say.
"But I want you to do it. And double knot them" she demands.
I stare disgustedly. She gets tears in her eyes.
Boy starts crying.
DAMN IT!!!
I tie Girl's shoes ( am tempted to tie both shoes together but don't ) and send her away.
Boy must be hungry again... it's been like 40 minutes since last feeding.
I feed Boy bottle and he falls asleep.
Time to clean up kitchen and get some food.
I make a sandwich, open soda and take a bite of sandwich.
I hear Boy crying.
UNBE-FUCKING-LIEVABLE!!
Boy wants to be held. I eat sandwich while holding Boy and drip mustard on his forehead.
I laugh out loud.
This wakes up Boy and he starts crying.
Girl comes in crying because neighbor boy doesn't like her being bossy.
No shit Sherlock.
One hour until Mrs. Chronically Insane gets home. I'm losing my grasp...
Boy cries harder when he hears Girl crying.
"Boy - stop crying. Girl - stop crying."
I deliver speech to the children about the terror being inflicted on the people of Darfur and how they should both be thankful for what they have.
Girl laughs and says - "Darfur is a funny name"...
Boy hears girl laugh and he laughs.
I keep saying the name Darfur - my children keep laughing.
I have guilt. But my children are happy.
Mrs. Chronically Insane walks in as I dance around saying Darfur in a funny voice.
I am embarrassed... but relieved. Help has arrived, and the day is nearly over.
I get yelled at for the house being in such disrepair.
This is the last crushing blow to my spirit.
I retreat to my garage and, in my weakness, cry a little while I chop firewood.

As I stood there, a broken man, in front of the fire I had built, I reflected on the day's events.
It made me wonder what life was like in the Stone Age when a man could club his wife over the head, have sex with her anytime he wanted, she watched the children while he hunted and gathered, and he got 3 square meals a day prepared for him.

I was just wondering... That's all I'm saying...

This Week's Forgotten Celebrity: Willard Scott

Hey - remember that guy who does the fake weather report on The Today Show? You know - the guy who does "shout outs" to old people who are about to die. He played Mr. Poole on The Hogan Family. Yeah - him!
Well - he isn't dead yet!
I just saw him on this video clip of Meredith Vieira's first day as co-host on The Today Show. I feel really bad for him because he was acting like a fucking lunatic and making Meredith SO uncomfortable... It looked as though he was about to start humping her leg at any moment! In fact - if you listen - he says something about coming in the backdoor...
She was squirming out of her skin and the look on her face screamed "Please get this old Perv off of me!!"
I had no idea he was still on television, or alive for that matter...
The crazed look in his eyes was enough to even make Al Roker think about duct taping his asshole shut.
So this got me thinking... How do you put someone like Willard Scott out to pasture? Isn't The Today Show trying to put a younger face on it's show?
Maybe NBC hasn't had the heart to tell him he hasn't worked there for like 7 years. Judging from everyone's reaction during this clip, I got the feeling he wasn't supposed to be there, just showed up on the set and Matt Lauer was doing his level best to make it all look normal.
I read somewhere that after the "Meredith Incident", Willard was found naked, licking the tires of Vieira's Mercedes.
Poor Willard. Poor, poor Willard.

10 Reasons You're An Asshole And I Hate You

Chances are, no matter who you are, that you've pissed me off at some point in my life. Who knows? Maybe I've done the same to you. I'm big enough to admit that. (Sorry, guy on crutches, but I was late for my bus and didn't feel like holding the door that long...)
I've compiled a list of 10 reasons why I can't stand you and why you should change so that I'll like you again.

1. Your Headphones Are Turned Up Too High
(Let it be clear that before I wrote this reason I made certain my mp3 player wasn't playing "Fuck The Pain Away" by the Peaches too loudly...)
I don't give a shit how cool, how retro, how badass or how into Celine Dion you are - turn it down. Do you realize how many times I've had to return to the beginning of the paragraph to understand what the author is saying?

2. Your A Woman In A Skirt Wearing A Backpack
Hey genius! Ever heard of friction?
Skirt + Backpack + Walking = bottom of skirt up around your waist in about 10 steps. I don't care how hot you are - that is absolutely nasty! Unfortunately the last woman I saw pulling this little stunt could have comfortably fit Verne Troyer between her ass cheeks. If you need to wear a skirt and have a backpack - don't put both straps over your shoulder... Please?

3. You're Spreading Your Legs Next To Me On The Seat
Did you not see me sitting here or are you trying to get "with me"? I'm not gay. I don't cheat on my wife. But I qualify your splayed legs and our outer thighs rubbing together a bold attempt at trying to get into my pants. Seriously - knock that shit off. Besides - getting a boner on the train is really awkward for me and really not cool...

4. You're The Excited Reader
It took me awhile to get used to people using those "hands free" devices for their cell phones while walking down the street, but I'm alright with it now. I just think you're fucking looney until I see the little cord hanging at your side. But please don't treat your book like a person. Laughing out loud, gasping, crying and then looking around to see if anyone is looking... Yes - I'm looking! And I think you're stupid! Unless it's one of those smut novels and you're all moaning and shit... and if you're not ugly and a chick... then it's cool I guess.

5. You're A Weak Signal Cell Phone Talker
"What's that? Your breaking up. I think I'm in a dead spot - can you hear me? I said did the kids get their lunches off the counter... off the counter. Did the kids get their lunches off the counter! OFF THE COUNTER! Can you hear me? Hello? Can you hear.. Hello? Hello? Yes - I asked you if the kids got their lunches... Can you still hear me? Hello? Did they get their lunches off the counter?"
Yes - I fucking hate you if you do that.

6. You Use A Golf Umbrella Downtown
Why? You are the rudest asshole on the street and what does that get you? There is absolutely no reason for you to use a golf umbrella while going down the street, knocking into everyone's average sized umbrellas and spraying water everywhere unless you have an ass 4 feet wide, can't walk and have to use a Jazzy to get around. Not to mention the fact that when you fold it up to get on the bus - guess where all the water is going Jackass??

7. You're Eating Next To Me On The Train
Listen - we all have to put in long hours sometimes - and it can be a pretty long train ride. I understand being a little hungry... so pack a granola bar or an apple or maybe even a small bag of chips. But you just put a brown paper bag on your lap and pulled out a pair of chopsticks!! This is going to get ugly isn't it...

8. You've Spilled Your Coffee On The Train/Bus And Didn't Say Anything
If you have done this - you are a douchebag! It didn't occur to you that setting your cup of coffee on the floor of a moving vehicle that lurches to a stop every couple of minutes may be a bad idea? I love that the contents of my bag are now soaking wet, sticky and smell like Hazelnut.

9. You Ride Your Bike On The Sidewalk
You fucking moron! You live in Chicago, where nearly every street has a bike lane. Get your sissy ass off the side walk - designated for pedestrians - and ride on the side of the street like every other bike rider in the city. And the next time you have the audacity to blow your little whistle at me or yell "On your left" at me - I will clothes line your ass and get the other pedestrians around to pummel you until your brains are falling out of your ears.

10. You Don't Fold Your Newspaper When Reading It On The Train/Bus
Just fold the damn paper in half! You can't read both sides at once anyway, and I swear to God if you let that paper hit me in the back of my head again when I'm sitting in front of you - I'm going to rip off your fucking arms!

September 11, 2001 - September 11, 2006

Okay - I'll do it. Everyone else is blogging today about it - so why not, right?
I recently heard someone mumble "Isn't the media exploiting this?"
Fuck yes!
All the networks are making money from it and increasing viewership, but the way I look at it is that it isn't all bad...
Through all the coverage I've seen I've noticed one thing. We are getting educated about how other nations view America. Everyone seems aware of the possibility of this happening again. Of course every program about Sept. 11th 2001 and the tragedy that happened that day shows the Towers crashing to the ground. They show the men and women running for their lives. They show the firemen, paramedics and policemen looking completely defeated and covered in dirt and soot. They show the streets of New York littered with flowers and pictures of missing loved ones. Then it flashes to an American flag being erected out of a pile of World Trade Center rubble.
Exploitation. All of it.
For once though - I think we can benefit from this exploitation.
While I waited at the bus stop this morning, I overheard a mother explaining to her young daughter (about 4 years old) what happened 5 years ago and what today means. The little girl responded, " Our country needs to find a new place to live. "
My first thought was of admiration for that woman. I was happy to see her explain it to her daughter.
My second thought was - " You dumb baby! You can't move an entire country!!"
I've talked to my parents and other people their age and of that generation, and they had never lived to see such an event take place. Yes they saw the assassination of one of our presidents, and they saw the Vietnam War. But not since their parents' generation has our nation witnessed such an attack on our country. It hurts me to say, but my kids will never have the childhood that I had. The childhood that didn't truly know what living through a war was like. The childhood that left you with a feeling "everything is going to be alright".
I still remember listening to the radio the morning of September 11th, 2001 and hearing them say a plane had hit the World Trade Center in New York City. The first report I heard thought it may have been a Cessna. It wasn't until I arrived at work, and turned on a television that I realized what had happened. Even more terrifying, it was still happening. The 4th jet liner hadn't crashed yet.
It is still up to debate whether this shocked the government, but I think we all know it shocked us. It changed us. It scared us. How many of our kids saw us cry for the first time that day and on the days that followed. My daughter was just a baby, but I haven't shielded her from the ugly footage of that day. We've talked about it and she understands that this is terrorism, and that it happens in other countries frequently.
My little baby girl knows what being at war means.
It means she doesn't get to see her Godfather as often as we would like because he has served twice in Iraq. She doesn't get to see her older cousins - because they are in the military and are serving overseas and in the Middle East. It means asking "Daddy why are those people crying?" when we watch the news. My parents allowed us to watch the news as children and I don't remember seeing the images that we see in today's news. I can remember seeing skirmishes in Israel and Palestine, rocks being thrown, rockets being launched from rocket launchers, but not to the degree we see today.
But again - I think the exposure is fine. I don't want my son and my daughter being raised wearing the blinders I was raised wearing. This has happened to us. It may happen again and we need to live every day as though it will.
I'm not a flag waver. I'm not proud of some of the decisions our government has made. I don't support the war in Iraq.
I do appreciate living in this country and I support the men and women serving in the Middle East. I enjoy my freedom and the sacrifices made to keep that freedom. I enjoy seeing bikini clad women on billboards and on the sides of busses. I enjoy being able to talk and debate freely on whether I agree with our nation's leaders without fear of prosecution. I enjoy the freedom of being able to choose whether I want to join the military or not.
I support the thought of bringing home our troops as soon as possible. I support the thought of my children serving in the military as long as they understand what it means to do so - to sacrifice your life. It isn't just being exposed to the danger of dying, but being away from your spouse, kids, parents, girlfriend or boyfriend. Having sand in your crack for 4 or 5 days with out being able to shower. Wearing full gear in 100+ degree conditions.
So yes - I feel the media is exploiting the tragedies that happened in our nation on September 11th, 2001. In doing so, it has made the sights and sounds of tragedy more accessible, and our generation and our kids have a better understanding of what being in America is and how other nations feel about our nation. We need to prepare ourselves and our families for more hatred, more fear and more tragedy and how to deal with it all.
But more importantly, I feel we need to teach our children how they can change the way our country is, to change what we've become and how it all starts here with you and me.

Photo: www.sannerud.com

Fucking Favre and Other Football Stuff...

People don't come to Disconnected In Suburbia for the latest in sports news or to get my opinion on anything related to sports - but it's the first official day of NFL action - and I have a boner.
First - a little bit about myself...
I am not from a family of sports enthusiasts. I come from 4 generations of pencil pushing, pocket protector wearing people who tend to bruise easily. This made participating and following sports difficult as a child. My Dad always yelled at me for not spending more time on the family computer - the Tandy 2000.
I can remember sneaking out to the family room to watch every Monday Night Football game and fighting my siblings on Saturdays over whether we watched the Saturday afternoon feature or the U of M game.
Fast forward to the present - I am 30 years old and love nothing more than watching baseball and football with my wife and kids on the weekends.
I have one small problem though... growing up in Michigan and now living in Chicago for nearly 10 years - I've managed to whore my allegiance to both Michigan teams and Chicago teams... not to mention, since I was a kid ( 15 years old ) I have had great respect and admiration for Green Bay Packer quarterback Brett Favre. But today, as I watched the Bears dismantle the Packers, I found myself hoping Brett Favre would suffer a career ending injury with every toss of the ball. I know that's wrong - but I hate to see a guy who has been the embodiment of playing like a champion closing his eyes and throwing up shit bombs every time it's 3rd and long. Which has been a lot lately.
Naturally - I was pleased with the Bears and look forward to a very promising season and watching them advance further in the playoffs than last season.
However - my Lions lost to Seattle in a close game. The Lions could never make it happen for Barry Sanders and are due. It still kills me that Barry left the league without a Super Bowl win and without passing Walter Payton's career rushing record. I would love nothing more than to see the Lions give the Bears a run for their money this season. Yes - I realize it won't happen - but let's just see if maybe they can beat the Bears in Soldier Field next weekend. As long as they pull that off - I will officially dedicate myself to hoping for the Bears to win our conference. Yeah I know - it's complicated.

Presently - I am watching the Colts vs. the Giants and could give 2 flying fucks that it's "Manning vs. Manning". I really don't care for either Manning, in fact - I think it would be great to watch someone sack either of them so hard that it made their eyes bleed... but overall it is a pretty good game.
At the end of the day though, it's about football - it doesn't matter who's playing - I just want to watch a good football game with bone crushing tackles, a 40 yard pass completed for a last minute touchdown, and 50+ yard field goal attempt to tie the game that misses by only inches!
Like I said - this stuff arouses me... Does that mean anything?

Photos: www.cnnsi.com & www.yahoo.com

So How Did Jerry Lewis Do?

Yes - I was the Asshole walking around his house yesterday saying everything with an Australian accent. But it was done out of respect...
I didn't hear news of Steve Irwin's death until later in the day - as I was passed out in bed all morning fighting the headcold from Hell. When I saw the words scroll across the bottom of my television, I felt a little sicker inside.
I'd be lying if I said that I was shocked that "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin was killed by an animal, but I do have to admit that I caught myself in mid-sentence telling my wife "I can't believe he's dead..."
His death has really bummed me out - and watching his show from now on is going to put a darker perspective on each episode.
This is the man who put Animal Planet on the map! He gave children (including my own ) the opportunity to learn more about dangerous reptiles than my generation ever knew. When my daughter was 3 years old - she would make certain that we watched The Crocodile Hunter every evening - and she still enjoys the program.
He entertained adults across the world. It wasn't until Steve Irwin came along - that any of us saw some fool jumping around in front of a camera, fending off a poisonous snake or ferocious crocodile all while explaining the beauty of the very animal that was about to kill or injure him.
As with any adult's death I hear about - I am naturally inclined to feel terrible for the children involved if there are any. Steve Irwin had two. I have a hard time imagining a childhood without my Dad around - and it makes me hold my kids a little tighter each time I hear about such a tragedy.
I think what strikes me most about his death though, is that he seemed like a kid himself. Maybe that is what weirded me out so much - kind of like when you hear of a child's death - it seems much more tragic. He had the enthusiasm of a toddler whenever you saw him on television - whether it was his show or a late night talk show interview.
I'd love to think he and his family will receive the respect and privacy they deserve - but given that he lived in front of the camera, and unfortunately died in front of one, I worry that they won't.


Photo: www.answers.com