Smacks, Charms, Puffs, Snaps & Pops

He's talking about cereal.
Here is the latest submission from Dublin O'Shea!

Welcome back my friends...


It's time, boys and girls, to take a trip to the land of yesteryear. Walk with me, if you will, down this trail of nostalgia. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

Remember Honeycombs? Frankenberry? Cap'n Crunch? Coco Puffs? Or the ever elusive Sugar Smacks?
Yeah, so do I. And as I creep toward death with one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel, I remember that those cereals were some good shit!
The commercials were great too. "Honeycomb's BIG, yeah yeah yeah. It's not small, no no no..." The boxes were brilliantly colored with crazy, LSD-induced cartoon mascots. And let us not forget the goofy and mostly worthless "prize" that came in the box. That toy gimmick had to be the greatest marketing idea of the 20th century next to the FlowBee, or the Ronco Food Dehydrator.
Now the favorite of the Harmon house was Frosted Flakes. This was a staple of our Americana from 1980 until somewhere in the mid 90's when both the kids were sent packing.
And Fruit Loops were forever banned after my mother, in one of her genius moves, bought 4 boxes because they were on sale. Or maybe she had a coupon. Either way... eating Fruit Loops every day, for 3 months will pretty much suck your will to live. And I still hate that damned Toucan Sam!
However, I'll admit that after much coercion and begging and being completely annoying in the cereal isle of the Hamady supermarket, my mother bought me the end-all, be-all cereal: Booberry. I was certain that this cereal would forever change my life. I mean, the commercial had a ghost in it. And Count Chocula was some good eatin'! Booberry had to be the greatest.
Now the important thing wasn't that I whined until I got my way. The key here is that my mother caved in. But not before laying down the ultimatum. I'm sure you've all heard this in some variation before. "I'll buy it for you. But you have to eat the whole box. I am not going to waste food. And I'm not buying any other cereal until you finish the Booberry. But you're not going to like it. And I'm serious, you have to eat ALL of it!"
I proceeded to explain to her that she had absolutely, positively nothing to worry about. I'd have the box gone in no time. She was crazy to have any reservations about it in the first place. Didn't she have faith in her only son?? And yes, I was quite the salesman at age 7.
So there I was, waiting anxiously to get home. I waited impatiently for the day to turn to night. I jumped in bed early in anticipation for the morning when I would finally be able to taste the Holy Grail of Breakfast Cereal!
And as the sun broke over the horizon, and the morning rays of sunshine peered through my window, I leapt from my bed and bounded down the stairs. I threw open the pantry, grabbed the cereal, made a dash for the milk, and got the biggest son-of-a-bitch bowl in the house. (I do NOT mess around with cereal! This is serious business, people!)
As I opened the box and tore opened the package, I noticed a strange aroma wafting from this great treasure. But it wasn't nearly as tantalizing as I had hoped. However, I would not be deterred. I poured myself a hefty bowl of Booberry and filled it to the brim with milk. I plunged my spoon (yes, I managed to get a spoon in all my mad dashing) into the bowl and took a bite.
I'll be damned if that was not the absolute worst tasting crap ever to be put in a box. Never had my tastebuds been so offended. And the worst part about it, my mother was RIGHT! NOOOOOOOOO! "Please dear Lord, let this not be so", I prayed. I have spent so much energy in acquiring this great artifact (and it tasted like it had been lost and buried for about 1000 years too).
Now my nightmare had come true. My mother was right, and I was stuck with this box of blue rabbit turds. And I had to eat it before I could ever hope to taste Cocoa or Fruity Pebbles again. No longer would my morning be infused with a sugar-induced coma brought on by one of my many favorite tasty, fortified, part of a nutritious breakfast, (I still can't figure out which part 8 pounds of sugar plays in nutrition) breakfast cereal.
After elementary school, the crazy breakfast cereals left our house for good. Old Tony the Tiger stuck around. But everyone else was replaced by grape nuts (oh God help us all.... they're REPRODUCING in my bowl!!!!), Honey Bunches of Oats, Cheerios, etc.
It wasn't until I made a joke the other day about wanting Honeycombs for breakfast that this trend was broken. My dad had a great idea and got me a box. Not just any box. The FAMILY SIZE box! I laughed and shook my head. But dammit, Honeycomb is GOOOD! Yeah yeah yeah! And after eating this box of cereal, I'm looking forward to Type 1 diabetes which should be fully onset after a few more breakfasts.