Possums Eat Taco Bell And Baby Poop

Yeah - I'm just as surprised as you... I would have figured them more for the "bread and tampons" type of scavenger.
But nope - there it was all over my driveway this morning - tattered crap filled diapers and Taco Bell wrappers.
My train was scheduled to leave in 15 minutes and the station is a 10 minute walk away.
As I stood there and pondered my predicament - I noticed 2 things.

First is that baby poop and Taco Bell tacos are hard to distinguish one from the other.

And second - the little bastard that caused the mess was sitting next to the garbage can staring me down with his cold, heartless gaze.

Now - I am as much of an animal lover as the next person. In fact, much like my feelings on illegal Mexican immigrants, I believe Possums too have the right to stay in our country.
But this particular possum had earned a bad reputation throughout the neighborhood for being sneaky and mean, and he was pushing me to my baser, more Neanderthal-like emotions.
I had to do something about this...

I started scanning my garage for my axe.
"No", I thought to myself, "too messy".
I stumbled around the dark for a more blunt object.
A shovel? No - that would make too big of a splatter pattern on the driveway.
Then I spotted my daughter's pink Louisville Slugger.
"Aha! That's the ticket!"
As I slowly made my way across the garage to retrieve my weapon of choice, I looked to see if my target was still in sight. He was, and was still staring at me with his dark, steely possum eyes. I could tell he wanted nothing more than to continue his devil's work against me and my family.
"Not for long - you filthy rat bastard" I mumbled into the thick, chilly morning air.
I picked up the bat.
"Hmmm... aluminum... that'll make an interesting sound" I mused.
As I slowly crept my way out of the dark garage and into the fledgling morning light - the evil possum held his ground.
I glanced to either side of my yard to make sure no witnesses were around.
I started wondering to myself... "Does a possum squeal after receiving a blunt trauma to the head? I'll bet not - if you hit it hard enough."
I was now within 5 feet of the offender.
I slowly raised the pink slugger over my right shoulder.
The little varmint still wasn't making a move - just looking me in the eyes.
"Move you coward" I muttered. "Go ahead - try and run."
Still nothing.
I kicked a pebble at him.
"C'mon Stewmeat!" I whispered loudly, "Make your move!"
I couldn't just crush his little rodent brain in unless he made some sign of aggression towards me...
I mean - there is an unwritten code about this sort of thing.
I was now standing directly over my target.
As I stared back down at the creature - I swear I noticed a tear rolling down his furry little cheek.
"Crocodile tears" I thought, "not falling for that one... I'm way too smart".
I drew in one final breath before I delivered the death blow.

Then suddenly - a strange thing occurred...
I heard music playing softly from somewhere I couldn't quite place, and a warm, white glow began emanating from the possum.
I rubbed my eyes.
"This can't be happening" I said to myself.
I was overcome with sadness and a feeling of regret.
I lowered the bat and wiped away the tear that had formed in my eye.
I couldn't kill this little creature... he is only doing what he knows to do. He probably has little hungry babies somewhere anxiously awaiting his return...
I slowly brought the bat to my side and inched my way back towards the garage.

Just then the evil beast bared his teeth and lunged for my groin!!
I swung the bat with all my strength and knocked the little fuck all the way to the neighbor's yard.

It was over.
His reign of garbage can terror had come to an unexpected end.

"I've been wanting to do that to that little shit since last month" I heard a familiar voice say. I looked over to see my neighbor standing at our fence smoking his morning cigarette.
"Very nice! I had him cornered a few weeks ago, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm happy you did" he congratulated me. "Did he do that creepy glowing thing for you??"



No animals were harmed during the creation of this blog post.